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    Tuesday, 20 November 2007

    Bullying, and how it's affected my life!



    Pretty much all my life i've been bullied! I'm 33 years old now!

    Looking at me, you wouldn't think so! I'm a big butch dyke lesbian, tattoo, piercing, and I pretty much look like i'm ready to rumble if anyone comes near me. Why do I look like this? Why do I give off this impression? It's my shield, my duvet, my safeguard. 'If I look tough, no-one is gonna mess with me'. That's the main thought I have, and it usually works too! It's a shame the inner me doesn't resemble the outer me. People don't realise i'm actually a big softie at heart. Well, they do know that, but only if they truly know me!

    When I was growing up, I got bullied bad. In Primary School it wasn't that bad. The occasional ginger comment, which went over my head (heard one, heard them all, fellow red heads would know the score on this one). Ginger nut, ginger biscuit, duracell, carrot top, these were just a few, can't think of any others anymore, they just go in one ear and out the other now lol.

    At one point, I was forced by the teachers to go on a school holiday to Cornwall (I think), some sort of Butlins place. I never wanted to go, but they were a person down, so the teachers put a ton of pressure on me to go, and I didn't know how to say no, so I had to say yes. While I was there, the other kids bullied me so much, I spent the entire time crying my eyes out, and counting the days til I got home. I'd never been away from my parents ever, and I was treated so badly by my so called friends while I was there, i've never forgotten how I felt, it was one of the worst experiences of my life!

    By the end of Primary School, i'd put on weight. Believe it or not, it was due to the swimming lessons they made us do. Once a week we'd be chucked on a coach, and driven to a swimming pool, where we would have to learn to swim. I couldn't (and still can't) swim to save my life. I was always scared of the water, not of drowning, but of my head going under and not being able to breathe. I've always had a thing about keeping my nose and mouth clear, being scared of suffocation. I don't know why, I think it has something to do with an incident in a swimming pool on holiday when I was a kid. I digress...

    After the lessons, we'd all meet up in the reception area, where there was a chocolate machine. We bought chocolates and sweets to eat on the way back. The chlorine and exercise always made everyone hungry (I can't abide the smell of chlorine anymore. I can smell poppers a mile off, I hate them, I hate that smell). So of course i'd buy chocolate or sweets, and slowly the weight began to go on.

    Everyone said it was puppy fat and it would go, but it never did, and over the last 23 years i've just increased in size. During the time I initially started to grow, I did get the occasional comments, which made me upset, and which started off my shyness I guess. Kids can be so cruel.

    Of course, the following year I was in Secondary School, and that's where the bullying really began to get worse.

    I was getting slowly bigger, I was a red head, pale skinned, covered in acne, and shy. I was also quiet as a kid, and pale, and very emotional. The emotional side of me only started to show when I started being bullied. That's when I hid myself away, and became a loner.



    I would get the obvious ginger names, as already mentioned, but i'd also get the names relating to my size and ache, as well as being pushed around, physically bullied, teased, tormented, and of course having my belongings damaged and ruined by the other kids.

    My folks had kind of wrapped me in cottom wool as a kid, and the Primary School I went to wasn't really a place where people were bullied, (apart from on that holiday) so when I went to Secondary School, it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I had no idea how to handle it.

    There were two specific bullies, which I remember more vividly than anyone else, whom even to this day I hate with a passion, and would love to confront to give them what for, for ruining my life! No doubt they're married now, but their names then were Kerry Owen and Ceri Williams. They were in the same gang, and I mean it when I say they ruined my life.

    I remember in the 6th form, I just lost it one day, after 6 years of being bullied badly. I had most of the typing class bullying me at this stage, and even the teacher, Mrs Hunt (with a capitol C) was bullying me. I was in the 6th form toilets, and a girl called Lorraine Sturgess entered, (she was the school slut, and as thick as two short planks to boot) taking the piss out of me. I was on PMT tablets back then, I was depressed, but too young to be allowed anti-depressents, and I just lost it, so I grabbed her by the collar, threw her up against the wall, and hit her! It was the only time i'd ever done anything like that, and boy did I wish i'd done it earlier, because as soon as I entered the classroom again, they all knew about what had happened, and the bullying was much less from then on, albeit not completely gone.



    I spent a lot of my time bunking off lessons because of the way I was being treated. I desperately wanted to do music in my GCSEs, but because the two formentioned bullies were gonna be in that class, I ended up going bloody Child Development. Me? Child Development? Yep! But what else could I do? I did it for a quiet life!

    When I did finally leave school, I was so happy, away from them all for good, such a relief.



    Then I started my working life. I managed to spend a few years with little or no bullying at all in the workplace, until I started working for a company called Studio Box, based in Reading. They were a company that sold art and graphics software to companies, mainly in America. They're no longer around.

    The two Managers there were great, but the woman I was working with, their 'PA', or so she liked to call herself, was a complete bitch, and I was treated like shit by her badly! In the end I hated it so much, I found another job. Only problem was, when I gave in my resignation, she treated me 10 fold even worse, so after about the 2nd or 3rd day, I walked, telling them the new job asked me to start early. She never paid me for the last few days I worked the bitch!

    The job I went to, was at the Reading Chronicle. Again, I was treated like shit there too. The girls I was working for, all young, all tall, thin, blonde, clique types, and all into Coronation Street. So everyday they would spend the day working, and talking about Coronation Street, make-up, and all things girly. Of course I had absolutely nothing in common with them, and so either i'd be ignored, or treated like shit (mainly ignored and isolated to be honest). The one day, the day my mum was having a Hysterectomy in the Royal Berks, they fired me. All the girls got together whispering that morning, when i'd come in really upset and worried about mum, and the head bitch walks into the bosses office, next thing I know, i'm being called in, and he's firing me! I was in such a state, crying my eyes out.



    Then I got a job at a Pump company called SPP. There I met Tracy, probably the biggest bitch i'd met to date! From the moment I arrived (and she was the person directly above me, my trainer, my colleague etc) she started bullying me, and it went on for the entire 18 months I managed to stay there for. I had heard that everyone else who had had that job prior to me, had left because she was a right bully, but because she was the only person who could do her job in the company, and she did it so well, and they didn't wanna employ anyone else in the role, and spend time training them up etc, they let her get away with it, so I was bullied openly from day one. I got verbal insults thrown at me, I got called useless, crap, shit, you name it, I was called it, and not on the quiet, openly so I and everyone else could hear her. I hated her, but was such a shy person still, and so soft I didn't know what to do, and how to handle it. I used to go to the toilets everyday and cry my heart out, it was that bad, and I hated going to work. I was also working two jobs at that point, so was working a good 60 hours a week. I'd get up, get the early bus to work about 7am, and get home from my second job about 10pm, and go to bed, that was it! I was knackered, exhausted, and bullied to the point where i'd cry myself to sleep!

    Eventually I managed to get out, and got a job at Comtel, which later became NTL. I wrote SPP a complaint letter, detailing how i'd been treated, and sent it to the head of that department. Not sure if anything ever came of it.

    I was at Comtel/NTL for over 4 years, and loved it. Unfortunately when a bird called Elaine got a job there, things changed. She conned her way into becoming a Manager, (no previous experience, but pretended she had) and thought she was better than everyone else. At this stage I was becoming stronger as a person, and was beginning to fight back. I hated her with a passion, and her Manager, Sue was even worse. The pair of them together was a nightmare! I was forced out of the company in the end by their incessant bullying and teaming up against me, and finally got a job at Courage Brewery.

    I went to a solicitor about the bullying and the way the company had treated me, but because Sue was buddies with the head of HR, she'd managed to fix it that a ton of false information had made its way onto my file, saying i'd done things I hadn't done, so I didn't have a leg to stand on. I've sort revenge ever since, but doubt i'll ever get it. These two are two more people I dislike with a passion. I believe that makes 5 now (including Tracy from SPP).

    So then I moved to Courage Brewery, and life there was great, I loved it. There was a wee bit of bullying. I'd scored a team Leader job, over someone who had been working there longer than me, but the guy who was interviewing us hated the other person, so I got it over her purely because he didn't want her to have it lol. I didn't mind, looked good on the CV, and I got a decent pay packet for it. I enjoyed it too.

    Then we were made redundent, so I used the redundency money to move up to Birmingham, that was 2002, and i've been there ever since!

    During my time at SPP, I met my ex husband. I won't go into too much detail about him, because it's a subject I don't much like talking about, so i'll fluff over the details, and just say this guy beat me up on numerous occasions during the 2 year relationship, and treated me like shit. He bullied me constantly, and made me feel like a piece of scum. He also turned me into an angry person, because of what he put me through, and what I later discovered about him and his past. I hope he's dead, and out of all the people I hate, formentioned, he's the ONE PERSON I would happily, and without hesitation, stab repeatedly with a sharp knife. Those closest to me know the reasons why!

    When I moved to Brum, I immediately started work in a company called HFC Bank, to which i'm still employed. I started there in 2002.

    My time there was great, to begin with. When I started there, my first Manager was a tall thin bloke, whos name I can't remember, but let's just say he was the spitting image of Jeff Goldblum lol.



    Then I got a perminant Manager in a lady called Julie, who had started in the company only a month before me. Julie and I didn't see eye to eye, and I felt she was bullying me, treating me unfairly, and putting too much pressure on me. I didn't like her management style, and I really disliked her as a Manager and as a person! I don't think she liked me much either
    Unfortunately, the bird i'd been seeing at the time, for over 3 months, Maxine, had just dumped me, and I was distraught, so I ended up being off sick for a month. It had really upset me, to the point where I couldn't even work, believe it or not!

    During that time I managed to speak to HR about my situation, and they moved me onto another team, run by a Manager called Steve, who for me has always stood out as my best and most favourite Manager at the bank, for the entire time i've worked there (and as I write this, i'm still employed by them). I love Steve to bits, he's the best! This is also where I met one of my now best mates, for the purposes of this post we'll call 'Crushed'.

    For the record, Julie and I settled our differences, and soon became friends in the bank. We got on much better when we weren't working together, and she even allowed me to manage her team while she was off on holiday for a week at one point, which was great fun.

    Changes happen in banks, and soon enough I was asked to join another team, because I was just that damn good at selling. So I moved to the TUDs team. I don't really recall being bullied too much there to be fair, I had occasional situations arise with certain colleagues such as Caroline and Andreas, not nothing I couldn't handle. They were both nobs to work with, but I managed to overcome that, and gave as good as I got. I think i'd got to a point, where I was now able and confident to answer back, and give as good as I got, to other people's annoyance lol.

    There was one colleague, who I detested, and not many people actually liked anyway, and his name was Andy. He was the office dickhead, and that's an understatement. He's become a senior more times than i'd had hot dinners, but his attitude towards others meant he was constantly being demoted, he was that bad! He left eventually.

    Life in TUDs went downhill, as far as i'm concerned, when my wonderful DM, Simon, got transferred, and I ended up with a new DM called Jamie. Things were never the same again, and I lost my umph then, so got transferred to the Head Office, to work in Customer Services. I never asked to be transferred, and was never given an option, I was just told it was that or you lose your job! I was not impressed!

    So I ended up being forced to move jobs to HQ, and start working there!

    While I was working in HQ, I met my ex wife, and moved to my new flat, where i'm writing this from now. The reasons why I decided to move were threefold:-

    1. Downsize, cause I had a 3 bed end terrace, and two bedrooms were just full of junk and not being used.

    2. The house was really old, and it was too much to maintain, I wanted something in a nicer area, and newer.

    3. I was being bullied!

    Yes, even at home I was being bullied! I was receiving taunts from the local kids, of ALL ages. Homophobic taunts. Threatening notes through my door, the kids throwing stones at my front door and windows, constantly ringing my door bell and banging on my front door, and running away when I answered, the neighbours kids two doors down breaking my back garden fence (they had access to my next door neighbours back garden, as they didn't have a fence) and throwing rotten apples, eggs and rubbish into my back garden, and at one point, the local kids shooting a pellet gun bullet through my livingroom window!!! I couldn't take anymore, so I put the place up for sale.

    As it goes, when I left, the people who brought it from me, an Asian family, had their car window smashed in by a brick. Nice ah?

    So I moved towns. I've lived here now since the end of 2005, and I loved it. However, it was never plain sailing.

    Unfortunately I was bullied by my neighbour above me, Margaret, who still lives there, and is a complete bitch! She complains even when there is nothing to complain about! When I got Saffy, she complained constantly, but thankfully most of her complaints were overturned, to her annoyance. However, there was one thing she continued to complain about, and probably still does to this day, and that's Saffy's toilet habits!



    She has this thing about Saffy relieving herself by my front door. I clean it up everytime, but she kept telling the people who own the land (we pay them ground rent) that I wasn't doing this, and that Saffy was doing it in the communial pathways etc, and she tried so hard to get an order on me, so that I had to either move, pay a fine, or get rid of the dog. Everytime I got a complaint letter from the ground rent folk, i'd call them or write back saying it was unjustified, but she just kept complaining. In the end they got sick of it all, so passed it onto the street wardens, and I never heard a thing again! lol. There was nothing they could do, because they regularly check, and they cannot justify the complaints, because there is never any mess out there. One up to me! (about time)

    Then there was my neighbour next door, who's name I never got, thankfully. She was even worse, constantly conplaining about me. She was a right pain in the arse. I was so pleased when she moved. The guy I bought the flat off of, warned me about her. I think she was homophobic (he was also gay) and so resented me from day one. I was so pleased when she sold up.
    Then there was the ex wife (well, she will be the ex when the divorce goes through early next year).

    I know she reads this, so i'll no doubt get it in the neck from her if I ever see her again for this, but she bullied me also.

    I could never do anything right in her eyes! I tried everything to please her, and it was never good enough. She reminds me of that Little Britain character in the wheelchair, where he always wants things, but isn't happy when he's got them.



    It didn't matter where I took her, what we did, what I bought her, what we did together, it was never good enough, and she always had something to complain about, it was never good enough for her. So i'd always get it in the neck from her, always complaining, moaning, telling me off, picking holes in everything we did, everything I said, everywhere we went, everything I bought, it just was never good enough for her, and it drove me potty. In the end i'd tell her to shut the fuck up! I'd give up on it all. She expected me to be able to read her mind, to know exactly what she wanted, in detail, and give it to her in the way she wanted it, specifically. I think the only time she was ever bloody happy was when she was eating, and even then she'd always have something to moan about.

    Her constant bullying and moaning brought my depression down, and made me a very angry and easily annoyed person. It also brought on anxiety attacks, because I was always just expecting her to start moaning again, and having a go at me, and so I was always on edge with her, nervous, anxious. It was a nightmare!

    Going back to my employment, so I started working at HQ, and that was a nightmare in itself. I had so much pressure from Management to hit targets, from Scheduling to pick up calls (if you didn't take the next call within a max of 60 seconds they'd call you and bully you into taking the next call), and from the customers on the other end of the phone, who'd called to complain about god knows what! I hated it. Slowly the pressure got too much for me. I had the shit at home, and the shit at work, and I just exploded, which is why i've been off sick for over a year, and why i'm going through a divorce.

    While I was in school, I was such a quiet, shy, happy, confident kid.

    When I hit Secondary School, I wasn't happy, I was a quiet, shy, sad, unconfident kid.

    Then when I hit employment, I was a quiet, shy, unconfident young woman.

    Then I got married to my ex hubby, and I was a quiet, shy, unconfident, married woman.

    Then I got divorced from him, and I became a not so quiet, not so shy, slightly confident, angry, sad, depressed woman.

    Then I moved to Brum, and I became a loud, bold, confident, fun, outspoken, bubbly woman.

    Now i'm a depressed, loud, angry, bold, anxious, scared, outspoken, weak, sad, sometimes confident, sometimes bubbly, sometimes fun, woman!

    Being bullied all my life, physically and mentally, has made me the person I am today. I want to be a confident, fun, bubbly, outspoken, bold, loud woman again. I hope in time i'll become that person. I do feel stronger for the experiences i've had in life, but I also feel weaker for them as well. I hope in time i'll be able to overcome my problems and fears, and be sociable again, because i'm very much an antisocial person now, due to all this crap.

    People who bully, are very lonely people indeed, who have no self worth. They obviously have some serious problems with themselves, or they wouldn't wanna cover these up by taking the piss out of other people, and belittling them! It's sad really, that even grown men and women have to resort to bullying others to make them feel good, because they're obviously worthless human beings in the first place, to have to resort to bullying others for their entertainment, and egos.

    When I hear of people being bullied, or when i'm bullied myself, which still happens, and has been highly evident on UKM over the last few months, (yes i'm talking about you Ray, and your little group of friends!) I just think to myself, god, we're adults, why are people acting like this? It's sad, and I doubt it will ever end, but some people are just so immature, and worthless, that maybe this is the only way in life they get to feel some form of self worth! Who knows. Whatever the reasons, you have to feel sorry for those bullies really. To have to berate and belittle others for their own amusement and egos, they must feel pretty worthless and shit about their own lives to do it, even if they won't admit it!

    When I hear about kids and teenagers committing, or attempting to commit suicide because they're bullied in school, it really upsets and angers me. This shouldn't be happening anymore. Since the beginning of time, people have been bullied, kids and adults alike, and it's just worsened as time has gone on. Now we have kids gOing to school with guns and knives, it's ridiculous.

    I say it's time that ALL bullying was stopped, and people just started treating each other the way they wish to be treated themselves. People don't realise how being on the other end of the bully, being bullied, can fuck up their self esteem and life. Those who bully just don't care about the effects their bullying is having on the person they're bullying!

    It's about time people stopped and took time to think about their actions!

    TREAT OTHERS HOW YOU WISH TO BE TREATED.

    DON'T BULLY, IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU THE BETTER PERSON, IF MAKES YOU THE WEAKER PERSON FOR DOING IT!


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