Goodbye Pammy

I have just logged onto Facebook, to discover that one of my oldest friends, Pam, has passed away.

I knew Pam when she lived in Reading. We met something like 10 years ago. The night we met, was down the Granby Tavern in Reading. I fancied her, and as I went past her, I felt up her arse lol. We swapped numbers, and became good friends. We never were anything more than that, and I was really cool with that, because she was a great person, and I needed friends in my life more than anything.

I never used to be one for socialising, making friends. I'm the same now. I've always found it hard to socialise, make friends, and let myself go. Pam came into my life, and used to drag me out every Saturday to the Granby, before it had its make-over, when it was only on one floor, and we used to dance the night away, and have a right laugh. It was Pam that got me spiking my hair, and letting myself go. I became less shy through her support.

The biggest thing she helped me with, was when a right bitch on the scene started spreading the most awful rumour anyone could ever spread about a person. Those incredibly close to me, will know what i'm talking about, and will know the story, but will be unaware who was involved.

Pam and I were on our way back from a gay club in London. Funny enough, that night i'd bumped into one of my much older friends, Sarah, who I hadn't seen in years, with her partner.

Sarah and I both came out to each other on the phone at the same time, it was really weird. We were both scared of what the other would think, as we were good mates and scared of rejection, but we had such a laugh about it afterwards, and it was such a relief lol.

Anyway, so Pam and I are on our way back from London in Pam's car, and we stop off at a service station. The sun is coming up at this point, early hours of the morning. I must have been about 25.

Pam had received a phone call from a certain woman, who saw fit to tell her that I was a certain type of person. Nothing like 'oh she's a bitch' or anything like that, something far FAR worse! Pam asked me some questions, for which I replied honestly, then she told me what she had been told, and who told her. I burst into tears. Apparently this person had been spreading this malicious gossip about me all over the scene in Reading. I was devistated. To be accused of being one of the worst types of people on the planet is one thing, but having everyone else think that of you is another.

It took me ages to calm down from this, and to be honest, even today, i'm still angry, scared and shocked over this.

So with Pam's help, giving me insider details of where this person works, and what she did for a living etc, I managed, with the help of a Solicitor, to send her a Solicitors letter stating that she either retract the statement, and stop telling people this most awful of lies, or we would take her to court for deformation of character.

Thankfully that stopped the rumour, and it simmered out, and again with Pams help, we managed to put everyone right on the subject, and it ended.

It's still one of the reasons why I moved to Birmingham though, because of the shame of this rumour, and the reputation I had gained from it, which I didn't like.

Needless to say, if it wasn't for Pam sticking by me as a mate, looking after me, and helping me to gain the knowledge to go to a Solicitor with, and for just being a fucking good mate to me when I needed it, and even when I didn't, I probably wouldn't be here today.

The last time I saw Pam, was after I moved to Brum, and she moved to Brighton. I went to the first Reading Pride a number of years ago, and Pam was there with her new partner, Paula, whom she was living in Brighton with. She seemed like a really nice person, and I could tell they were in love.

That was the last time I saw her. We've spoken since then, and talked online as well, and i've seen up to date photos of her online, of her boat when she had one etc. She always wanted to move to Brighton, it was her life long dream, and she managed it, and from what I can tell, she had a wonderful life there. She always offered to have me stay with her and her partner there, but I never took her up on the offer. I now wish I had, for she has now passed away, and I missed out on that opportunity to spend some quality time with my mate, catch up, and have a memorable blast.

I love you Pam. You were a great mate to me, and I will never forget that. You came into my life when I needed a good mate, and you brought me out of the shy world, and changed me. You got me dancing instead of hiding in the corner, you got me dressing nicer, doing my hair spikey, and gave me courage. You have inspired me to follow my dream of being a HGV/courier driver, like you partner is, and supported me when I needed a friendly ear, and a shoulder to cry on.

I will truly miss you Pam. You are a wonderful person, a much loved person, and I for one will miss you so much.

It's horrible when someone dies, and you wish you had had the chance to say things to them that you never had the chance to say when they were alive. I wish I could have said all these things, and thanked you so much for being there for me etc when you were alive, but alas I never did it, and for that, i'm so very sorry. If you're looking down on me now, I hope you're reading this, and you know what you have meant to me, and how you have changed my life for the better.

If a person can change the life of another for the better, just one person, in their whole entire life, then their life has been worth living. I can say 100% that you are that person. You changed my life, and that is why I know you're in heaven, looking down on us all and smiling.

Take care babe, sleep well, and look after us all in our times of need, like only you could. It's been a wonderful pleasure knowing you, and i'm proud to say you were a friend of mine. Thank you for being my friend. Goodbye babe